Imagine you’re alone, walking down a busy street while taking in the surrounding sights and the sounds.
Your stomach grumbles, a clear sign that it’s lunchtime.
Out of the corner of your eye, you see a big sign advertising delicious Eggs Benedict and French Toast from a brunch place just up ahead. You walk by and peer into the window. It’s a fancy place filled with tables of people eating, chatting, and laughing.
You want to go in and have brunch, but something’s holding you back.
Embarrassment.
You don’t want to be seen eating alone right in front of everyone else.
Fun fact, it has a name: “Solomangarephobia: the fear of eating alone in public.”
I, like many others, have definitely felt this feeling in this exact situation at least once in life. Embarrassment often holds us back from enjoying life to the fullest, which could look like connecting with strangers or having the most delicious meal of our lives…so many missed opportunities.
What if I told you that you could push through that embarrassment with a few simple (or not so simple) steps? Introducing…My Step-by-Step Guide on How to Overcome Embarrassment.
Step 1: Recognizing and understanding why we feel embarrassed
The way I see it, embarrassment stems from a mismatch between how you want to be perceived and how you think you will be perceived. Oftentimes the latter isn’t even grounded in reality, but your own assumptions instead.
Let’s apply it to our brunch example:
When deciding whether or not to dine alone, you’ll probably think about how other would see you. The average person wants to show the world the best sides of themselves: “I have friends. We hang out. Look how much fun I’m having.” That in itself stems from societal expectation—it’s how we want to be perceived.
However, the action of dining alone sends the opposite signal. You might be scared that others would judge you, thinking thoughts such as: “Why are they here by themselves? Don’t they have any friends? Are they an outcast?” Dining out if often seen as a social activity, a chance to catch up with some friends or meet someone new for the first time. People expect that’s the case, so when you dine out without that goal, you feel awkward and out of place. We think that’s how others will perceive us.
This mismatch between wanting to appear socially connected and showing the world you’re not creates space for embarrassment to thrive. Only after you realize this conflict exists, can you move on to the next step.
Step 2: Rewiring our thinking
In the previous step, I highlighted how YOU think you’re going to be perceived, but this may very well not be how you’re ACTUALLY perceived. We tend to think egocentrically like we’re the main characters in every storyline, but that’s simply not the case. The truth is, most of the time no one’s paying attention to us, much less criticizing our every move.
Going back to the brunch example, you may think that others will judge you for being alone, but in reality most people could care less. Everyone else in the brunch restaurant is too focused on their own food and friends to worry about yours.
This realization is key to rewiring your thinking and changing your mindset. Instead of focusing on how you appear to other people, try focusing on your own goals, i.e. the reason why you’re there in the first place—perhaps to enjoy a delicious meal!
I know it’s easier than said than done, so that leads me to the next step.
Step 3: Taking action
Using your new way of thinking, push the fear of perception out of your mind. I like to imagine that fear as a piece of paper, crumple it, toss it into a trash can in your mind, and shut the lid tight. Now, it can’t affect you anymore.
Just go for it, bite the bullet, and take action! Try that new restaurant, ask for that favor, start writing that novel idea that’s been brewing in the back of your mind. Yes, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but eventually you’ll get used to it. Slowly but surely.
Be sure to take notes when your fears were proven wrong. Look around and notice how no one’s judging you (or paying attention to you at all). Think of these moments and let them fuel your next action: go to that place on your bucket list, talk with a stranger, reach out to that old friend.
And with that, you’ve overcome the embarrassment that held you back.
The next time you catch yourself feeling embarrassed, put these steps into action, and enjoy that delicious brunch all by yourself!
Oh my goodness, I’ve been gone for so long, but it’s good to be back! This post was fully adapted from my Toastmaster’s speech (with some implemented feedback). I do have some more topics brewing in my mind, so the next post will NOT be in a year from now—mark my words!